1. Two Clowns: Dead
A crazed gunman storms into the circus tent during performance of a pair of clowns and shoots them dead. No apparent motive, although I'm sure you could think of one.
2. Mustache Tattoo
A new trend in tattooed fingers swept Rhode Island during an incredibly slow news day.
3. More Crap Falls Out of Sky, Damages Home
"I’ve never heard of something like this happening, it’s just bizarre," says the resident of a house hit by a falling chunk of ice. Apparently she has been living in seclusion, as this kind of stuff has been happening pretty often lately.
4. Hardboil Hallow Out
The quickest way to peel a hard boiled egg.
Living beaver spotted in New York City for the first time in approximately 200 years. Insert sarcastically incredulous comment and mention of Paris Hilton here.